i didn't know

It's funny how you have expectations and plans for you life but then things don't turn out the way you expected at all. It's like that quote, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." One thing that has completely surprised me lately is how much I love the work I'm doing at my practicum. Before I started, I didn't know I would like it and was giving myself pep talks to get through it. I didn't know that I would fall completely in love with it and feel incredibly sad as it is coming to an end. So sad that I have to give myself pep talks to convince myself that leaving the families I've been working with, leaving my mentor and my supervisor whom I have grown to love, leaving a part of myself I always knew was there but hadn't yet fully realized, is okay. I guess I should have known that I would love these families that are struggling to make good choices and reunify because when you serve others and think about them and do all that you can to help them, you love them. You just do.

I didn't know that I would be able to advance my practicum by going full time rather than part time (definitely an exception to the rule). That means I will be done on November 7th! It has flown by. At first, I saw a lot of sadness and it was emotionally exhausting. I still see some of that, but my focus has shifted from how that sadness affects me to what I can to help. It really feels like this is a good fit for me. I can hardly stand to think about leaving.

Speaking of not wanting to leave, we are moving to Arizona at the end of the year (possibly as soon as the end of next month). I thought I would like Washington when we moved here but I didn't know how immediately it would feel like home to us and how I would not want to ever leave. People complain about the rain, lack of sun, chilly weather...I will take it all for the beauty, the green trees, the fresh smell, the ideal photo shoot cloud coverage and beautiful locations, the four seasons but still with a fairly mild winter, the amazing people we have met. Don't get me wrong, Arizona is great and we really liked it when we lived there. We went to high school in Arizona. We met in Arizona. We have family and friends in Arizona. It's warm and there is a pool in our neighborhood and our winter will be spent in 70 degree weather. But to me, it's no longer home.

I think whenever you put your heart and soul into something, you leave a piece of yourself behind when you leave. I felt that way about my mission. I feel that way now. School has been my life since we moved to Washington (let's be honest - since we got married, but really all-consuming since we moved to Washington). I studied hard and jumped through hoops and our marriage was strengthened as we worked through the hard stuff together. Wendel edited every last paper in both my BASW and MSW programs, helped me jump through those hoops, was right by my side through every part of my application process for graduate school, and even drove down to my final presentation in my final gradate class to sit in the back and listen (which was a huge surprise to me). We've done the hard things together, which has stretched us and brought us closer. This makes it all the more difficult to leave. I didn't know school would have such positive effects on our marriage.

I kind of want to curl up in a ball and cry (if I wasn't so busy, I probably would). I am taking courage from Katie, who reminds me that "I can do hard things." Life keeps surprising me, so maybe I will fall in love with Arizona again and I will find a job there that I love and our ward will be amazing and I will meet awesome people and I won't be able to imagine not living there. Right?

lately

Lately, life has been a whirlwind of craziness.
Lately, I am exhausted a lot. I go to bed by 11:00 (not the norm for me, though it should be).
Lately, I work full time. I see a lot of sadness at my practicum. It makes me grateful for my life and the people in it. 
Lately, I am reminded of my love for Metropolitan Market. It makes my heart happy that there is one kind of close to my practicum site. It is my favorite. Their salads make my heart race.
Lately, I wonder what the future holds.
Lately, I have seen the goodness of several people. Friends who have helped us out so much, for whom we are so grateful. I am humbled by the Christ-like acts of service rendered to our family.
Lately, I haven't felt the desire or had the time to blog.
Lately, I am a little emotional but also at peace.
Lately, I am grateful to be done with the school work portion of my MSW. I took Oliver to the library the other night and as we walked to our van, we passed by the study room. I looked in and saw people sitting at tables with open books and notebooks in front of them and I literally shuddered. I am so done with that phase of life.
Lately, I feel like we will look back on these days and wonder how we did it. We will know that we could not have made it through school, work, my practicum, and everything else life throws at us without our Heavenly Father's guidance and the friends and family who have helped us with Oliver. (Thank you!)
Lately, our sweet boy does amazing things that make us smile and tell each other how amazing he is. 

Oliver June 2011 (15 months old)

Lately, my heart is full of gratitude and I knew I had to record it so I can remember how blessed I am.

book suggestions?

It's t-11 days until we leave for Hawaii. Yay for sleeping in and relaxing on the beach. We can't wait! It's hard to picture time for leisure reading right now, in the midst of the last week and a half of my final college classes,  but I must plan ahead. Tell me - what books should I take with me? What are some must-reads that I have missed out on the past few years? I do plan to take Mockingjay (I'm excited to finally read it). I've heard The Help and These Is My Words are good so I might see if I can reserve those (unless anyone has them who would be willing to let me borrow them?). Any others?

Also, I tried on my new, cute bathing suit tonight. I ordered it from DownEast Basics last year when it was on sale. Slight problem though - last year my chest was a bit bigger than it is now. You know how that's the first place you lose weight? So now my cute tankini doesn't fit quite right anymore. Not sure what to do about that. I guess if that's the least of my problems, I'm doing okay.

In other news, I am no longer working. I was really sad to leave Children's Home Society. I have worked there for the past two years and I really loved my job. It's very nice to have less on my plate but it's weird not to go to work on Mondays and Wednesdays.

I am off to write another paper. I am almost done and I couldn't be happier about it! Hopefully I can make it through this last week and a half with my sanity in tact. Wish me luck!

feeling inspired

A few things I've been inspired by lately that you should check out:

1. Motherhood Matters I love this campaign. The challenges have already started but you can still join in.

From their site: "Popular culture promises that by recognizing and focusing on our own needs, we will find empowerment.  In reality it creates a culture of comparison, distraction and discontent, none of which lead to empowerment.  The act of mothering … caring for, teaching, and nurturing, has just the opposite effect.  It emboldens us with confidence, contentment and purpose."

Being a mother is the most amazing thing ever. I love that this campaign recognizes and celebrates motherhood. 
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2. Paper Coterie  If you know me, you know I am all about record keeping. This site is full of inspiration in that department. They are generously giving $40 of product to everyone who wants it - for free. You only pay shipping. This is good until Friday. How cool is that? I am loving the Prompt Me book. But even more inspirational than their products is the video they share here, of Dr. Brene Brown. It is kind of long (24 minutes) and I almost didn't watch it for that reason. But I gave it a shot, mostly in the background while I was doing other things. But what she was saying really resonated with me, so I kept pushing pause and typing out what I was hearing. I found myself nodding in agreement and feeling inspired. You really should go and watch / listen to it. It is good stuff. She is a vulnerability researcher. She talks about moving from scarcity to joy. Here are a few things that stood out to me:

"I really think today, to cultivate purpose and meaning and joy in our lives, you have to break a lot of the rules about who you think you're supposed to be."

"Joy is born from ordinary moments."

Dr. Brown researched people who have been through difficult times. One person said, "What got me through was the reservoir of joyful moments I had in my life."

"The first and the biggest thing we do to combat scarcity...is to practice gratitude in some way. In those minutes when we are complaining because everything doesn't look like the catalog and our kids are out of control and we're still twenty pounds away from wanting to have our picture taken...in those exact moments when that is happening, we are probably actively squandering the joy that is right in front of us that we're gonna need because nobody rides for free. Hard times are going to happen. They're a part of our lives. We're going to get that phone call that we never wish we did and there are going to be difficult struggles. I think the most dangerous thing we do is we don't allow ourselves to soften into joy and gratitude out of the fear that those moments are coming."

She talked about picturing the worst-case scenario. I could relate a lot to this because I do that all the time. Constantly. She said we do this because "we're trying to beat vulnerability to the punch...we're trying to practice vulnerability and sorrow to prepare ourselves, almost as if we think about it and it happens, it will hurt less. The only thing that's certain is we're not taking advantage of an incredible moment." 

"Another way to combat scarcity is to make room for play in our lives." "Play is time spent without purpose...in our culture, that is an anxiety attack...we have even turned play into purpose."

I love her Venn diagram idea - have everyone in the family write down what play looks like to them and then see where they intersect and then incorporate that into family together time.

She concludes by saying, "To move out of scarcity, we need to look at ourselves and say 'I'm enough.' What I have is not only enough, it's remarkable - if I stop and be grateful for it."
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Her comments resonate with me so much. This is partially why I keep records, keep a gratitude journal, keep a blog, write letters to Oliver, take photos...to experience joy through gratitude. What a powerful video.

3. Lastly, a few things that I've found via Pinterest that have been inspiring me lately (click on the link and then click on the images to take you to the original source):

• Car Trunk Organization (I've been wanting to do something like this for a while now)

• Kitchen Freezer Organization (I really need to do this at some point)

•  Great idea for keeping bugs out of drinks. Cute too.

• Awesome laundry tip. 

• Color sorting activity for kids  

• ABC box activity - such a fun idea for kids

• These homemade popsicles would be perfect for Summer.  And these. And this Strawberry Pineapple Limeade.  

• This cool under-the-sink idea.

Okay, you get the point. Lots of inspiration on Pinterest. It really is my unwinding time. After a long day of work or studying / school, I come home and set the timer (this is key, lest I get sucked into a vortex where time does not exist), and just relax while gathering inspiration. It helps me unwind.

Speaking of which, there are only five weeks of school left! That is both exciting and scary (there is so much to do in that five weeks). I also only have two more weeks left at work. We are interviewing for my position and that just feels weird. I feel like I did at the end of my mission...so tired and worn out, so grateful for the experiences I had and the relationships I built...but so needing to be done only because my body was calling it quits. It's that conflict of loving what I'm doing and not wanting to let that go in some ways, but in other ways being so ready for the next phase of life...the one where I can spend more time with my little guy, get our home in order, focus on our family's history a little more...recuperate from the last...well, seven years of being in school since we've been married (but even more before that). I'm finding that I really have to push myself to get through these last five weeks of college classes (of all time). Lots of self-talk ("You can do this...just a little longer...keep going...") Lots of sighing. Occasional headaches. Wanting to finish on a high note but fearing that I don't have the energy to do that. So many thoughts and feelings attached to this huge milestone. Sure, I will still have my practicum next year, but it's not the same as being in class, turning in assignments, getting a grade, being on campus. Yay for feeling inspired by so many good things and being excited about my future!

a little thing called pride

So the last time I posted was my last day of class last quarter. I had such good intentions of blogging here over my break, catching up on Oliver's blog, working on his baby book, and organizing our home. I would love to say that I did at least one of those things...I guess I started organizing Oliver's baby clothes and rearranging his room, but I did not have time to finish so I had to leave it in a disastrous state.

The good news? This is the beginning of the end. Tomorrow is the first day of my last quarter of college classes ever. My heart started beating a little faster as I typed those words. I will be done in June. Then, I will only have a part-time practicum to complete next year, and I then I will have my MSW! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's beautiful.

I finally finished up my Senior Capstone Project (equivalent to a thesis in my field).  I worked so hard on that project and I'm so glad it's done! I got a 4.0 on it, which I am happy about. The night I turned it in, W and I met up at Red Lobster after class to celebrate (my mom was in town at the time so she was at home with Oliver). W brought me some balloons and flowers to the restaurant, which was so sweet of him.

The last time I posted, I mentioned that I had been feeling prideful about school. I've been thinking about how I got to this point. While I was working on my BASW, I finally found the thing that clicked - the thing I felt passionately about. Where was social work when I first started my college "career" in 1998? Why did I not know about this amazing field and how I would fall completely in love with it? So fast forward to 2007 when I was finally able to start the Social Work Program. I had several years of college under my belt (as in nine) so I knew how to do the student thing. Now that I didn't have to deal with annoying classes like Math and Chemistry, I could really excel at academia. Plus, I was motivated to get good grades in the event that I decided to apply to grad school, which I thought was pretty likely. Therefore, I became super competitive (which, in most cases, I am quite the opposite of competitive - I would rather my sports team lose and see the other team win, if that gives you an idea). I worked very hard. I got As in all of my classes and graduated with honors. I liked that I was a good student and was respected by my professors and peers. I liked that my writing had improved over the course of my Bachelor's Program (one of my professors even told me I would be crazy not to apply to Law School - which I think is so funny because that is the last thing I would ever want to do). I felt really confident in my abilities as a student (at least as far as social work courses are concerned. Biology is another story).

So then I started graduate school in 2010, to work on my MSW. W and I talked about how there wouldn't be as much pressure now that I wasn't competing for grades to get into grad school. Who cares what my grades are now, as long as they are somewhat decent, right? Wrong. I was still stuck in that competitive "I will get amazing grades and impress my professors and peers and graduate with honors again" mode. And that? That is prideful. I didn't even think of it in this way at all until it was lovingly pointed out to me. Once it was, I immediately realized that this has been the case. Instead of focusing on things that are more important, I have spent countless hours "perfecting my final project." Of course, this is a good thing to do, but maybe not the absolute best possible use of my time when I have so much on my plate, including the most amazing little boy whom my heart aches to be with when I am not. I just got so caught up in it. Playing the role, getting praise from my professors, having them expect the best from me, not wanting to disappoint them. So now, as I begin my final quarter, I am finally getting my act together. I am finally putting school lower on the priority list. I have part two of my research class to take, and I'm not looking forward to it. But, I'm taking it pass/fail and I'm not going to put the pressure on myself to get a 4.0 in the class when all I have to do is pass (like I did with my Policy class in the Fall...I took it pass/fail and I ended up with a 4.0 because I'm such a perfectionist. Ridiculous.)

Lately, I have also been thinking about this:

It's so true. I can be an amazing student, I can be an amazing mom, I can turn a struggling program around at work and make it into something huge that impacts peoples' lives for the better, I can join a goal group and be in a fitness challenge, I can make healthy, homemade meals for my family, I can keep records for my family and blog and take pictures and have a photography business...but I can't do it all at the same time. This has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned while being in graduate school. It is something that I really needed to learn, and I can't believe it took me so long to realize it. I was trying to juggle school (not just school - being a perfect student in school), work (did I mention that while I like my job, it is incredibly stressful and I have probably lost at least a year of my life from the stress?), my family, my house (which gets the brunt of the craziness), and this fitness challenge (starting an hour and twenty minute workout at 11:00 pm and not seeing W for more than ten minutes a day because "I have to keep up with the fitness challenge" is the opposite of healthy), spiritual nourishment, and a little r&r (ie. blog reading like a zombie because I'm too tired to move or do anything else). And all of this? This is also prideful. It really is.

So, I have decided to cut back. This is really difficult for a perfectionist to do, you know. So I'm taking little steps. Instead of working out for 1 hour and 20 minutes to get my max. points for the fitness challenge, I only work out for 40 minutes a night and get the minimum points...but I also clean my kitchen and spend more than ten minutes with my husband. Instead of striving for a 4.0 in my Research class, I am all about scraping by. Luckily, I have a professor for this class whom I have not had in the past, so she does not have high expectations of me, and therefore, I will not be letting her down (yes, I am also a people-pleaser, which I have also realized over the past few years, being in school).

It's refreshing to feel this way. To realize that I don't have to do it all and be everything all at once, while doing it perfectly. I think that as women, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. I am giving myself permission to let some things go. It's about time! Here's to a halfhearted effort in my final quarter of classes ever. Bring it on!

today

Praying for: Friends who are going through a difficult time

Wearing: Jeans and a black shirt with 3/4 sleeves and a fun necklace 

Working on: Getting to bed by 11:00 (so difficult and so far, unsuccessful considering that I don't usually start working out until at least that time)

Eating: Lots of veggie wraps lately, consisting of a high fiber whole wheat wrap, hummus, avocado, spinach, arugula, grape tomatoes, red bell pepper, a little bit of Tillamook medium cheddar cheese, some green onion, a little bit of whole grain mustard and some salt and pepper. I have this for lunch and dinner on a lot of days.

Dreaming of: three things: 1. My graduation 2. Going to Hawaii this Summer 3. Our much-needed bedroom makeover

Realizing: I have been somewhat prideful lately and I really want to change. I plan to write more about this in my next post, which will be about school...no guarantees as to how soon I will post it, but it's on my mind.

Impatiently waiting: For a new episode of Parenthood. It was a re-run this week. Bummer.

Anticipating: Losing 1/2 a pound more so I can hit my goal weight and go into maintenance (with Weight Watchers)

Loving: Oliver's cute little chatter.

Stalking: My school email account to see if I am the recipient of a scholarship I applied for

Feeling: Happy that the quarter is over but also grateful for the opportunity to be in school, and sad to say goodbye to a friend tonight (whom I will likely not see again, at least not for a while)

the school "dream"

It happened again. I had the dream. The one where everything is moving along nicely...I've been working hard in my classes, doing well, and the quarter is just about over. Just before it ends, I realize there is a class I was enrolled in that I haven't attended all quarter. Panic washes over me. (Hence the fact that the word "dream," which implies something pleasant ("something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence" according to www.dictionary.com), is in quotations.)

In this particular dream, I was walking on campus (not my campus, but some random campus that was supposed to be my campus) with my friend Crystal. We were apparently in school together. We just got out of class and we were going to do something fun to take our minds off of school. She mentioned that we should just ditch our next class. "What class...?" Enter panic mode. Oh, yeah. The class I signed up for at the beginning of the quarter and then completely forgot about until now...that class. Is it too late? Can I save my grade? Who is the teacher? When is the final? How could I forget about something so important?!?

And so it goes. I actually haven't had this dream in several quarters (I think my subconscious was a bit preoccupied with me trying to juggle a family, including a new baby, graduate school, and work...it had other things to think about that could easily bring me into panic mode). Why must I dream such dreams? Nothing productive comes of it. Only stress. Next quarter is my last quarter of college (other than my part-time practicum that I will be doing next year, but that's like working part-time without taking any classes, or writing any papers, or stepping foot on campus, so it's not the same thing at all in my mind. To me, I will pretty much be done with college after next quarter. That is HUGE! Words cannot express how I felt as I typed that sentence.)
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In other news, I am co-facilitating a goal-setting workshop for foster youth tomorrow. I am kind of excited about it. This is part of my Senior Capstone Project that I wrote about here.

One more noteworthy comment: Thanks to Weight Watcher's and Jenni's fitness challenge (which I have a love / hate relationship with), I have lost 10 pounds! Yay for that! I am down to my pre-pregnancy weight and wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes, which I had put into a box, thinking they might remain there for a very long time. (By the way, watching Gilmore Girls reruns makes working out go by so fast. It's even more motivating than music. Thank you Loreli and Rory!) Of course, my body doesn't quite look like it did before I was pregnant, but that's okay. Worth it. (That's an understatement.)

Okay, I'm going to bed now.

*loving*

Oliver on Thanksgiving Day 2010

*Loving how my cute little guy is learning and growing so much. He is wanting to be independent lately. It's pretty cute to watch him trying to do things on his own. He is amazing.
*Loving the fact that I finally completed the majority of my Senior Capstone Project (akin to a thesis in my field). It was 50 pages and so much work. It doesn't help that I'm a perfectionist, and overachiever, and a people-pleaser. These are things I've learned about myself these past few years being in school. They are both blessings and curses but in the end, they are good qualities to have as a student. I'm actually really, really excited about my project. I'm expanding Independent Living services for foster youth who are about to age out of the system to the area where I live (currently there aren't services available for them here). That includes finding a location to hold the workshops, putting together workshop curriculum, and doing lots of outreach to inform foster youth, foster parents, and service providers about these workshops. I'm also contributing to a website that is a great resource for emancipating foster youth. The 50 pages I just turned in last Thursday was all of the research that backs up this project that I'm implementing. I've been working on it since September. I'm very passionate about it and excited to help foster youth in my area.
*Loving that, thanks to a fitness challenge and Weight Watchers, I feel so much healthier lately. I have lost some weight, which is great, but I also just feel really healthy. (Part of the fitness challenge is that I can only eat out once a week and I have to drink 64 ounces of water a day...these are not easy goals for me - the eating out is hard because I'm always on the go, and the water is difficult because I am a sipper and just can't finish that much water in a day comfortably (but I'm doing it).
*Loving our new mini van. We got a used Toyota Sienna. It is so nice having extra space.
*Loving this blog. I admire this girl's faith and have really enjoyed reading about her conversion. Start here.

One thing I'm not loving is how I stay up really late on Sunday nights because I don't want the weekend to end, and then I am super tired on Mondays. It is not a good pattern but it happens over and over again. And on that note, I'm going to bed.

2010 recap

This past year was one of the most difficult years of my life but also one of the most amazing years of my life. Here's a quick recap of 2010 in the form of a questionnaire I found online:

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before? Gave birth to a child.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I honestly can't remember what my New Year's resolutions were other than to go to graduate school, which I did. Yes, I am in the process of making resolutions for this year. I haven't solidified them yet but I'm working on a short, meaningful list that won't be too overwhelming. 
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Other than me, I had several friends give birth this year.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Wendel's grandmother died in June. We went to Arizona for her funeral. Though it was sad to see her go, the funeral was a beautiful tribute to her life.
5. What countries did you visit? None
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? A MSW degree
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 2nd, the day Oliver was born. Being a mother is incredible. 
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Making it through the quarter right after Oliver was born - passing my Biology class and getting an A in my Research class - both of which were incredibly difficult, especially while adjusting to motherhood, dealing with nursing issues, hives, shingles, post-postpartum depression, and lack of sleep. Having made it through that, I feel like I can make it through almost anything.
9. What was your biggest failure? No big regrets
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing serious
11. What was the best thing you bought? It is a toss up between our baby monitor, our glider, and our minivan (which we have yet to pick up but we did purchase it in 2010).
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Oliver's, of course. We love celebrating each of his milestones.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Political leaders - elections depress me with all of the lying candidates do about each other.
14. Where did most of your money go? Graduate school
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The birth of our son

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? Little Sack of Sugar by Elizabeth Mitchell
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. Oliver has brought so much happiness to us.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter but it's worth it.
c) richer or poorer? Richer, both with money and with blessings.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? My family history (scrapbooking, journaling, blogging, etc.). Prioritizing family and school leaves little time for much else. I'm okay with it but I'm pretty excited to get back to it when I'm done with school.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Nothing. No regrets.
20. How did you spend Christmas? With my family in a condo in Deer Valley, Utah. It was perfect.
21. Did you fall in love in 2010? Yes, with my sweet son. 
22. What was your favorite TV program? Parenthood
23. What was the best book you read? The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins (I actually haven't read the third book yet...no time but I can't wait to read it).
24. What was your greatest musical discovery? Mumford & Sons is pretty cool and I really like Dustin Kensrue's Christmas album.
25. What did you want and get? A baby
26. What did you want and not get? To be done with school
27. What was your favorite film of this year? I didn't see any amazing movies. Sad, but true. I didn't see many movies at all, so that's not saying much.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 31. Wendel got me a treadmill (two actually - one for each of us so we can work out at the same time). My mom was in town so I got to go out for Thai food with my mom, brother, Wendel, and Oliver.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not having to take Biology.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? Hmm. Lacking.
31. What kept you sane? Wendel.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? None of them really.
33. What political issue stirred you the most? Health Care was a big one. 
34. Who did you miss? My family.
35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: To sacrifice is to make something sacred
36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "'Cause when push comes to shove you find what you're made of, you might bend till you break 'cause it's all you can take, on your knees you look up, decide you've had enough, you get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand, yeah, you stand" - Rascal Flats [It was a rough year but we made it through and we're stronger for it. My schooling experiences have really brought us together and I'm so grateful for that. They have given us numerous opportunities to serve each other, have in-depth discussions, unite in prayer and fasting, and appreciate the sacredness of the struggles and accomplishments.] 

I'm looking forward to 2011. There are so many great things to look forward to. I will be done with classes in June! Oliver turns one in March. I will only have a part-time internship after June - no job and no classes. Amazing! It's going to be a great year.

[Photos taken by Kali Lu Photography] 

church and state can come together after all

On Monday I shadowed Senator Claudia Kauffman at a luncheon / meet n' greet. At this event, each of the candidates representing several districts got a few minutes to speak, to inform those in attendance about their campaign and why they should vote for them. It was kind of interesting. The thing that really stuck out to me though, was that they started the meeting with a prayer. The person who prayed addressed Heavenly Father and asked that they have clear minds to make good decisions with integrity that are in the best interest of the public. Afterward there was a resounding amen. I was so impressed. It seems I am often in contact with people (mostly at school) who don't believe in God. It was so nice to see our policy makers and leaders (and potential policy makers and leaders) uniting in prayer for guidance to make good decisions in our behalf. I felt the Spirit strongly during that prayer. It gives me hope.

project life and whole foods

1. Have you heard of Project Life? If you're a scrapbooker, you've probably heard of Becky Higgins. She has this great product called Project Life that makes scrapbooking so simple and easy. The basic idea is that you take a picture everyday of something going on in your life - maybe it's of your son helping you make cookies or your daughter playing in the rain or your garden that's progressing...then you put it in it's slot and write out your journaling and it's done. It's so easy! The kit comes with everything you need, including the album, and it's all very adorable. There is none of the time consuming stuff (which can be fun but not always possible). People who don't consider themselves scrapbookers but want to preserve memories of your family might also be interested in this simple approach. There is also a digital version, which I really like. If you feel that committing to a picture a day is a bit much, you could take a handful of pictures a month and do it that way instead (which is kind of the concept I'm going for with Oliver's baby book - which I will share eventually. The kit I'm using to make his book is also designed by Becky). Anyway, I mention Project Life because it's $10 off through the end of this month (which is tomorrow). This would also make a great gift.

2. I went to a Whole Foods grocery store yesterday for the first time ever and I was like a kid in a candy store. Every isle was so exciting! There was even a salad and hot food bar right there in the store (with ten vegetarian soup options - ten!). I had to make myself leave the store. It's probably a good thing that this store is in Seattle and not too close to my house.

3. I start school tomorrow. I am a bit nervous, mostly about balancing everything (school, work, baby, house, etc.) but I'm hopeful that somehow it will work out. Wish me luck.

feeling grateful

I am feeling so grateful for all of the ways we have been and continue to be blessed. So much service has been rendered in our behalf since Oliver was born. Meals from friends in our ward and friends outside of our ward, so many people helped out by watching Oliver when I was finishing up two difficult (and very crucial) classes last quarter (including my sister-in-law, Bethaney, who lived with us for two months and spent every day with Oliver while I was at the library), my mom visited many times to help out, my brother did yard work for us and watched Oliver several times, a girl in our ward comes over twice a week to make dinner and do some light cleaning (amazing, right?), neighbors have mowed our lawn while we're not home, and friends have been very supportive. I also have to say that I have the best visiting teachers ever. Your kindness is not unappreciated. Thanks for helping us make it through a rough patch.

biology update

I passed! I can hardly even believe it. My teacher finally emailed me tonight and told me that I passed. Wendel and Bethaney (his sister who has been here for the past weeks helping me with Oliver while I have been studying all day, who really made passing this class possible) and I went out to celebrate as soon as I got the email. Unfortunately, it was almost 10:00 pm when I got the word, and living in the small town that we do, we didn't have many options. As much as I really don't like Red Robin, it was open, so Red Robin it was. We ordered nachos, which were incredibly sub-par (worse than that, even) and garlic fries (which were good at the time but not worth it). But hey, luckily I didn't work my butt off for the reward of that meal at Red Robin, so who cares. My real reward is being able to move forward in my program! Never again do I have to take a stupid general education class! From here on out, it's all social work classes (um, I thought that was the case a couple of years ago when I started my BASW...). In any event, I'm happy. I'm so glad that horrible experience is behind me. (No, I'm not just being dramatic.) Thanks to those who left kind comments after my ranting post last night. I was a bit frustrated, to say the least. It's nice to know I have supportive friends out there.

don't you hate it when your best isn't good enough?

Call me crazy, but I like to see the fruits of my labors, especially when I've worked as hard as I have on this [insert frustrated tone] biology class. I consider myself a good student. I study hard. I had a 3.94 GPA in my undergrad. I get the studying thing. I know how to be diligent in my efforts. I have spent countless hours at the public library over the past few months, working on this class. Literally every day of the week (except for Sunday) for the majority of the day. Away from my baby. So why is it that I failed the midterm and probably failed the final? My teacher is pretty much the worst teacher ever. Okay, I have no authority to make that statement, but she's pretty rotten. She doesn't give any sort of direction on what to study - anything in the book can be on the test. That means I have to memorize pretty much everything. She did tell me that there won't be any diagrams, charts or tables on the test that were not in the homework assignments. However, there was one diagram and one chart on the final that were not in any of my homework assignments. Many of the questions from the homework were nowhere to be found in the text, so I had to look them up online, and then got them marked wrong (but she didn't put what the right answer was). It's like if it isn't the answer she had in mind, it's wrong, end of story. Nowhere in the syllabus does it say that spelling counts on exams, and yet when I took the midterm and final, it was written at the top of the tests. She takes days to answer my questions (this is an online class!) and then is often unclear in her responses (and sometimes she hasn't ever responded at all). When I expressed my frustration to her about not knowing what to focus my studying on, she told me, "Just look over the homework assignments, get a good nights sleep and eat some protein a couple of hours before you take the test." Um, false. Just looking over the assignments and expecting to remember that information might work for someone with a photographic memory. I could go on and on. I checked her out on www.ratemyprofessors.com and I at least feel validated after reading comments such as these:

"The workload alone is equivalent to two on-site classes. As an independent study class, it is extremely time consuming and required me to research some of the information online as the assignment asked questions in a way that didn't clearly correlate with the book. Thorough assistance was rare, even when asked."

"She is a horrible teacher. Doesn't explain why things are wrong. Ask questions on homework and tests that could have multiple answers but doesn't know it. Some questions don't even make sense. Uses unreadable pictures that you have to diagram."

"Kathy frustrates students and drives them away from appreciation of the subject. I've taken her online course, which is HIGHLY recommended NOT to do. No study guide given for tests. Basically know the book. From e-mail encounters she appears to have an ego and much pride. There is no rebuttal or points given back on her mistakes for assignments."

"FYI, midterm went into questions not yet covered."

Okay, I'm sure you are all bored and don't really care about my biology woes. It is just so dang frustrating to me because I worked incredibly hard (I studied for about 80 hours for the final...seriously?!? This is a 101 class.) I deserve to pass, and I likely won't.

I took the final last Thursday and had the testing center mail it back to my teacher in an overnight envelope that I provided them with. My teacher consented to email my adviser at UW to let her know if I passed or not by Monday (yesterday), which was the deadline (the deadline for me being able to continue in my program or not due to this class). Of course she didn't do it, and though I have emailed her twice since Thursday inquiring about it, I still haven't heard from her and neither has my adviser. Class started tonight and I didn't know if I should go or not given the circumstances...I went but will have to drop if I failed the test.

Wendel just mentioned to me that it sounds like I am typing furiously. I suppose I am. I think I just need to vent about it. Again. (I already vented to him numerous times.)

In conclusion, I hate stupid policies and jumping through hoops. But I am determined to not let something as lame as a general requirement deter me from getting my MSW. So I will press forward through the minutia. I guess you could call me stubborn. I really feel like I'm following the Spirit and doing what we feel good about. I'm sure that there is some huge learning experience to be had here. Maybe when I'm not so frustrated I will figure out what it is and appreciate the experience. Maybe.

randomness

1. I finally finished my huge research paper. I have been working on this paper for months (it is the same one I was working on when I started having contractions with Oliver). I have worked so hard on it. The topic is the effects of parenting classes among low-income populations, specifically studying the program that I coordinate at Children's Home Society called SPARK (Strong Partners and Relationships for Kids). It is really cool because this research is actually beneficial - it will help the Federal Government decide if they want to continue funding the program, help CHSW better serve their clients, and quite honestly, it has really increased my knowledge about the program and consequently I feel that I will be better at my job now because of it. I finished up around 3:00 this morning. I was actually super nervous to email it to my professor because I kept thinking, "What if I missed something? What if there is a formatting issue or I spelled something wrong and didn't catch it?" All of that hard work and then stupid mistakes would not be cool. I actually still have clammy hands thinking about it. I am kind of a perfectionist with school, I guess, but I work hard and want to reflect that to my professors. Anyway, I am so glad that is behind me! (A special thanks to my sister-in-law, Bethaney, who is here helping us out with Oliver. Without her, I would've failed this class.)

2. So, I have shingles. How lame is that? My doctor said it is from the stress I'm experiencing in my life. Nice. At least now I know why my left leg has been tingly and sensitive for the past few weeks. I was getting worried that it would be a permanent thing.

3. I really don't like pumping.

4. I heard about Today's Letters recently and I checked it out today. I really like the concept of daily letters and I love that this whole site is devoted to strengthening marriages. I especially like this.

5. I've decided that my favorite kinds of food are Indian and Mediterranean. At least for now. Lucky me, I had both this week.

6. I wonder if I will ever scrapbook again? I miss it.

7. This picture of Oliver makes me smile. We took him on a walk around the neighborhood the other night and I snapped this after Wendel took him out of his stroller when we got home. His smiles are contagious.

sad to see her go...

My mom was here this past week, from last Saturday until tonight. She came to help me out so I could get some school work done. She watched Ollie in the days and stayed up with him at night (all night, every night = bliss for me). She did the dishes and laundry too. It was truly amazing. She is wonderful. On top of all of that, she drove here from Utah by herself so she could help me. I feel so blessed to have her as my mom.

My brother and his girlfriend are also here visiting. It's fun having them here.

This morning I took my Bio midterm. W was sweet and made me an omlet before I left. I studied for roughly 60 hours for that test. I really felt like I lived at the library this past week. I think I did okay. I'm just glad it's over. Now I only have to do that one more time (for the final) and I can put this class behind me.

We had a fun little photo shoot this afternoon of the three of us. I will have to share pictures as soon as I get them back. I'm excited about them.

W and I went on a date tonight - our first date since Oliver's birth. My brother stayed with Oliver while we went out for Indian food (our favorite). It was nice to get out for a bit.

We're sitting in his nursery - W is rocking our sleeping baby and I'm sitting on the floor typing out these thoughts. We're listening to Elizabeth Mitchell's Little Bird cd and singing along every so often (we both pretty much have it memorized now). These are times I don't want to ever forget.

checking in

[One week photo shoot with dad]

Things are going well since our little guy joined us (two weeks ago from tomorrow). He is the sweetest little baby. I still can't believe how early he came but we're glad he's here. [For those interested in his birth story, it is on my pregnancy blog.]

It was so nice having my mom's help for the first two weeks. She made dinner, kept up with the dishes and laundry, held him a lot, went to the store for me several times, and helped with shifts in the night (and took him all night on her last night here). I am a little nervous about doing it on my own. At least W has the next two weeks off of work. My sister and dad are also coming into town this week and I'm excited to spend time with them.

Aside from adjusting to little sleep, trying to nurse / pump, and figure out what cry means what, I am trying to finish up my quarter. It's all a little crazy, but I'm sure we'll get through it.

change

My whole world is about to change. That's so weird to think about. I think because I just haven't had time to think about it much with how busy I've been, it's just now hitting me. I just looked at his most recent ultra sound picture again and for some reason it all seemed more real (also contributing could be the fact that I'm about to pop). I can't believe that in a matter of a couple of weeks I will be holding my son in my arms. I really can't believe it. This pregnancy has flown by but when I look back to July when we found out that I was pregnant, it seems like so long ago. Now here I am with a grown baby inside, ready to make his entrance into the world soon. It just seems kind of surreal. Even though I am really not prepared at all in so many ways, I have been waiting for this for a lot longer than 9 months.

My life has been so stressful lately. My Biology class has to be completed by March 19th, which is two weeks from today. That is not going to happen. It is literally not possible, not only because there aren't enough hours in the day, but also because LSU (which is in Louisiana), where I am taking the class, is very slow with sending things like graded assignments and tests through the mail, so I am stuck until they come, and who knows when that will be (not in enough time to complete the rest of my work in two weeks).

Anyway, due to not completing this class on time, I have to take a leave of absence from my program. (I just sighed as I typed that.) This is actually much better than what I was originally told would happen if I didn't finish on time, which was that I would be kicked out of the program and would have to reapply if I wanted to return (which, if you remember, was a very involved process that I don't care to repeat). Thanks to a professor of mine, who also happens to be my academic adviser, the director of the program has agreed to allow me to take a leave of absence rather than drop me from the program. I am so grateful for this. Even though this is good news compared to the alternative, when I first found out about it, I was completely crushed. In fact, I kind of had a little bit of a breakdown that was not good. We have felt so good about school and it's so hard to think of stepping back from this goal and graduating a year later than anticipated (because the core classes are only offered once a year, I will have to take some of them next year and graduate in 2012 rather than 2011).

As I've had time to process this, I've felt a lot of peace about it, as has W. We both feel that it's going to be okay to do this. Part of me is kind of relieved because now I will have three months, not only off of work, but off of school too, totally devoted to our baby (other than the Biology class, which I still have to work on until it is completed, as I can't re-enter the program until it is done).

I have been killing myself trying to get this class done by the deadline, on top of a huge research project, work in my other class, and working / training my replacement. I have been getting 5-6 hours of sleep each night at the most. It just has not been healthy.

Tonight after work, we went out to eat. We talked about this decision and how we both feel good about it. We came home and watched Bones. I told W it was one of the best nights of my life because I could actually relax, which I really needed. It is amazing how much better I feel.

I will still be stressed out until the baby comes, trying to get things done to wrap up this quarter. I will still spend hours at the library and wonder how I'm going to get everything done that is required of me. But a huge burden has been lifted. I feel so much better.

my nemesis

I hate that I have to take Biology this quarter. It's so lame. Maybe I should come back when I'm not so grumpy.

the first week

I made it through my first week of grad school. The adjustment of going back to school has been a bit difficult, especially since I'm pregnant and working all day, leaving only late night hours (until at least 1:00am or later) to do my reading. There is a lot of reading. I expected that there would be, obviously, but I am blown away by just how much more there is than in my undergrad program. For example, for my next Research class, I have to read five chapters and three e-reserve articles (between 10-20 pages on average for each of them), and know the material enough to discuss it in class and then apply it to my papers. There are a lot of expectations since I am in the "advanced" program. Hopefully I can live up to them.

I believe that I can do this only because I recently found out that I will be able to cut down to part time at my job. This is such a blessing! I actually wanted to only work part time from the very beginning and asked if it would be possible in my initial interview. It wasn't, of course, so I took the job anyway, knowing that I could at least work full time for six months. I asked again a couple of months ago, to see if there was any way that my supervisor could hire someone to take over part of my job and I would still do the other part. Again, he said no, because they just didn't have the money to do that. Recently, I got a new direct supervisor and I was talking to her about this. She told me that one of my co-workers was leaving the SPARK (Strong Partners and Relationships for Kids) Program (which I coordinate) entirely to go full time in Head Start (she was doing half Head Start and half Spark) and that instead of hiring a part time person to fill her role, they would shift things around and hire a full time person to replace my job and then I would do the part time stuff in SPARK. Basically, it is exactly what I have been hoping and praying for. This will allow me to keep my sanity. I am so very thankful. I really feel that Heavenly Father knows me and my situation and that He is mindful of me. On the days that I do go into work, I can take the baby with me, or work from home, so it will work out. Knowing this motivates me to keep going with this crazy schedule, even though it is so hard. I am going straight to class from work and getting very little sleep. Crazy. But at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel soon (the job is being posted this coming week and then they will start the interview process).

I will say that it is nice to be back in school again in a way, especially since the campus is so familiar to me. It almost seems like there was never a seven month break since I was there last. I like learning and thinking of things in different ways, having discussions about issues I feel are important, and getting to know my new cohort (there are only 12 of us so it's a small group). There are six of us in the program who were in the BASW Cohort together, so it's nice to see some familiar faces. One of them is a good friend of mine, which is even better.

One thing I am kind of struggling with right now is the decision I have made to not do homework on Sundays. It's completely a personal decision, one that I made in 1999 while going to Ricks College. A General Authority spoke to us at one of the weekly devotionals and told us that if we would commit to not doing homework on Sundays, but keep the Sabbath as a special day, and a day of rest, that we would be blessed in our educational endeavors and in our lives in general. This isn't something that the LDS Church pushes and I certainly don't look down on people who do homework on Sundays...but way back in 1999 I decided to make that commitment and have stuck to it ever since.

It has never been so tempting, though. I just have so much to do, it's crazy. In class on Saturday, pretty much our whole cohort and professor were talking during our lunch break. One girl said something like, "I don't have much time to get the work done, so Sundays are going to be my day devoted to papers and reading. I'm sure it will be that way for you too, Ashley, right?" "Actually, I choose not to do homework on Sundays." I'm sure everyone in that room thought I was crazy. They just kind of nodded and then went back to their conversation. It sounds ridiculous. Then I started thinking that maybe it is ridiculous. What am I thinking? How can I get it all done if I don't do some of it on Sundays? I am killing myself staying up until 3am and then getting up at 7:30 for work. I will say, though, that I have felt very blessed in my life as I have stuck to this decision. I am going to go forward with it (no photo editing for clients on Sundays, either). I guess it's a way of keeping the sabbath day holy. It's so nice to have this day devoted to thoughts about my Heavenly Father and Savior, attending church, reading the scriptures, thinking about spiritual things, writing in my personal journal, and spending time with family. I also feel so relaxed and rejuvenated when I have a day of rest, which I desperately need. Sundays are my favorite day of the week.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to be in grad school. I know it seems kind of crazy, especially with the timing of having a baby. I wouldn't be doing it if we didn't feel so strongly about it, but we did and we still do, so I'm doing it. Now I just hope and pray that this baby doesn't come early (he's due two days after my last class ends for the quarter).