Stretched to my limit (in more ways than one)

I'm getting ready to head up to bed but feel the need to document this time in my life. There has definitely been a void in my life where journal writing used to be a priority. I certainly miss venting, expressing my thoughts and feelings, analyzing and reading myself to understand my feelings better. I never thought I would let that slide but I am now at the phase of life where I can only do the necessities and journal writing (including blogging) rarely makes the cut. I could do it after my kids are in bed but I'm just so tired, so it usually doesn't happen (other than keeping up with their individual blogs, which are essentially letters from me to them). But tonight I'm making an exception.

Maybe because I'm 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant with twin boys and know that things are about to change for our family of five as it grows to a family of seven very soon. I am feeling so overwhelmed as I think of the things on my to-do list that need to be done before their arrival in a couple of weeks, if not sooner (twins are considered full term at 38 weeks). Our house is disheveled because Wendel is remodeling our loft for us (bless his heart - he's devoting every spare minute he has to this project) so everything that was in our loft is now elsewhere and it's a bit cluttered and crazy. I am feeling overwhelmed at the thought of giving enough attention to five children, two of whom will be crying infants. I am feeling overwhelmed with one of my children, who was recently diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety, and with whom every day feels so difficult and discouraging (and has for a long time). I am feeling inadequate as a mother a lot of the time, definitely as a homemaker (I cannot keep up with our house right now...it feels like the movie Groundhog's Day where, like Bill Murray trying figure out how to keep from reliving February 2nd over and over again, I keep trying to clean it but it always ends up a disaster and my efforts are in vain. It is stressful and frustrating, probably more so with these babies making their arrival any time).

I have always been able to easily focus on the positive but I feel like I'm just a little worn down right now and it's much more difficult to do so lately. This is definitely a difficult phase of life, probably the most difficult we have faced in terms of discouragement and frustration (related to parenting, specifically). I think this might be a good time to list a few things I'm grateful for, to help me re-focus on the positives.

1. A happy marriage. I'm very grateful for Wendel. 
2. Our children. They can be very challenging but I am grateful for them and the opportunity I have to be their mother. 
3. The Spirit. What a truly amazing gift to feel of His promptings and guidance. 
4. Prayer. Specifically, a relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and a way to communicate with them. 
5. Eleanor's eye specialists. 
6. Eleanor's progress with her eye. We really think she has some vision in her little eye, which is such a blessing. 
7. Our home. 
8. Wendel's job. 
9. The gifts I've been blessed with (including a positive disposition, faith and determination, which I rely on daily)
10. Two baby boys about to join our family. 

22.5 Weeks

May 2017

May 2017 - my stomach does come in handy as a table.

June 2017

31.5 weeks

35.5 weeks and so ready to be done!

Sweet Baby A Ultrasound Picture May 2017 (I can see Josh here)

Sweet Baby B Ultrasound Picture April 2017 (I can see Wendel here)

 Despite this chaotic, stressful time in our lives, I'm grateful for these sweet baby boys about to join our family and for all that we are blessed with. One day at a time.

My "Mom Mission Statement"

My friend Emily Poland posted on Facebook recently, asking her mom friends to share: "What's important to you? What legacy do you want to leave your children? And what pitfalls are you working to avoid?" She's putting together a Mom Mission Statement and wanted some inspiration. I really love this idea so I'm sharing mine here. 

...........................................................

My Mom Mission Statement

I want to teach my children to "never be weary of good works" (Alma 37:34), to recognize how the Spirit speaks to them and to have faith and courage to act on those promptings, that they can do hard things, that just because something is hard, doesn't mean it isn't right, to be kind to others, to be accepting of differences, to serve and love others, that the key to feeling happy is serving others, to cherish the scriptures, to get along with and love each other as siblings (this is a huge focus right now), to appreciate diversity, to eat healthy and take care of their bodies, to value education, to find what they are passionate about and pursue it, to make a life plan and make goals to accomplish it, I want them to know that sacrifices often make experiences sacred (take parenthood for example), to love books and learning, I want to teach them responsibility (contributing to family responsibilities is a big focus as well), to be respectful, to say sorry and ask for forgiveness when they're in the wrong (I get lots of opportunities to lead by example with this one), to "be patient in thy afflictions" (D&C 24:8), to have open communication, confidence but also humble hearts, to know of their worth as children of God and as my children, to make wise financial decisions, to appreciate their ancestors and what they can learn from them, to know of my constant love for them, to cultivate a good life and record it, to remember that "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6), and to have a good relationship with their Heavenly Father ("Cry unto God for all thy support...let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord, let the affections of they heart be placed on the Lord forever...counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and He will direct thee for good." Alma 37: 36-37). I strive to engage their minds, to encourage play, and to say "I love you" as often as I can. I strive to offer choices to teach them decision-making skills, keep my emotions under control, remember that they are kids and they are an amazing blessing and they only have one childhood.

Parenting

Parenting. It's what consumes my life right now and I wouldn't have it any other way but wow am I exhausted. I am so tired, I'm actually going to have a blood panel done to see if something is wrong with me. I don't really think there is but I just feel like I can't ever catch up. I eat healthy and exercise and I am just always dragging. These are days of propping Norah's bottle on my chin to feed her while I do other things (she is now starting to hold it herself more often, thankfully), saying "Ot-oh, that's sad" a million times a day to show empathy rather than frustration, lots of self talk, lots of second guessing, lots of patience testing, little sleep, honey on my floors and chairs, smudges on the sliding door, the door left open and flies coming in (I really dislike flies), every time I sit down to eat someone needs something (every single time)... I have a difficult time keeping up with my house too. I hear people say, "The dishes can wait. Enjoy your children." I get that but I would love to have my home presentable so I can have people over. I know it's just a small part of the big picture. In a few years, all of my children will be in school and I will have time to clean my house. I will be able to take a nap. Right now my focus is more on them. Rough and tumble play (my boys' favorite), baking, science experiments, going to the park, visiting the library, reading books, doing puzzles, singing to Norah, dancing with Josh, tossing a ball back and forth to music. I try to balance it with cleaning but only get to the basics and feel like I can't ever catch up in that area either. But I'm trying. And I'm trying to focus on my strengths as a mother. My kids know they can count on me. They know I'll always be there for them, even when they don't make the best choices or if we have rough days. They know they are loved and valuable. They know their boundaries and they know we will be consistent with them. We also make it a priority to nourish their faith and provide opportunities for them to learn about Heavenly Father and Jesus and feel the Spirit. But for some reason I see my inadequacies like a neon sign and feel discouraged at times.

I'm writing these thoughts down, mostly so I can remember them when I'm past this season of parenting. When Norah calls me someday and is feeling drained and discouraged, I can remember that I felt that too.

A couple of quotes that have resonated with my lately:

"The influence of righteous, conscientious, persistent daily parenting is among the most powerful and sustaining forces for good in the world." - Richard G. Scott

“We hold in our arms the rising generation. They come to this earth with important responsibilities and great spiritual capacities. We cannot be casual in how we prepare them. Our challenge as parents and teachers is not to create a spiritual core in their souls but rather to fan the flame of their spiritual core already aglow with the fire of their premortal faith.”

— Neil L Andersen

These are the days

It's midnight. Way past my bedtime. Mornings start early around here, usually between 5:30-6:30. This morning I could hear Josh calling my name from his crib: "Mama, mama." I looked at my phone. 4:15am. I stumbled into his room, squinting in the light from his lamp. He had thrown his blankets and binki onto the floor, as he does when he's done sleeping and ready to go. I told him to lay back down; that it was still night time and time to sleep. "Ol-ver?" he asked. "Oliver is sleeping," I told him. "Daddy?" he asked. "Daddy is sleeping." That seemed to convince him and he laid back down, took his binki and favorite monkey blankie and allowed me to cover him with a blanket. Exactly one hour later, at 5:15am, I heard the same thing: "Mama, mama." We went through the exact same process and he went back to sleep. At 6:00am, he was at it again, but this time he was adamant about getting up for the day. With a heavy sigh, I took him into our room and put him on our bed with some of his books. I laid back down and closed my eyes. He shoved the book in my face, pointing at animals, wanting me to read to him. I sleepily said, "Duck. The duck says quack." He went over and put the book in Wendel's face. "Daddy, Daddy." Wendel mumbled a good morning to Josh and fell back asleep. Soon after, Oliver came into the room. Minutes later, both boys were downstairs in the kitchen and our day had officially begun.

And so it does every day. Not always as early as 4:15 but 6:00 is a guarantee. If one of them happens to sleep a little longer, the other will definitely get up by 6:00.

Tonight my friend, Autumn, asked if I wanted to go to the gym. We have been going to the gym together, on and off, for a couple of years. Sometimes we do so great and go almost every night but then we go through spells where we don't go for months. Tonight was the first time after such a spell. Being 5 months pregnant, plus getting up early and not getting to rest during the day (Oliver no longer naps), doesn't exactly instill a desire to spend my evenings at the gym when I could be relaxing with my husband, watching tv, or going to bed early. (Oh, sleep, how I miss you.)

And yet, I sit here in bed, past midnight, blogging. I think I've blogged three times in the past year but tonight I'm making it a priority. I just need to write this down.

Being a mother to young children is difficult. I've expressed that here before. It's, hands down, the most difficult thing I've ever done. But also the most amazing thing I've ever done. And absolutely the most exhausting thing I've ever done. Tonight as I was doing leg reps at the gym, the song, "These are the Days" by 10,000 Maniacs came on and I sat there, on that machine, with tears running down my face. I thought about my sweet boys, and how these are the days I'll remember. It's difficult to picture it now but someday they will be grown and on their own. They will have their own families and lives and be busy with their responsibilities. They might live far away from us and from each other. The days are numbered when sweet Joshua will lay his head on my shoulder and tuck his hands between his heart and mine, where his sweet little voice will call my name, where dancing with him in my arms will light up his face with a huge smile. And sweet Oliver, as strong willed as he can be, telling me, "I still love you, even when we have rough days" and "You're the best mommy in the world to me." The days where he begs for three books at bedtime, even if it's late. The days where he and Josh are at my feet constantly, wanting to be where I am, wanting to help me cook, bake, clean (hitting the walls with the handle of the broom as they attempt to sweep), following me upstairs, wanting to be nearby.

These are the formative years. Am I doing enough? I try really hard to be a good mom, to engage them and love them, teach and guide them, encourage and nurture them. Although it doesn't seem like it now, all too soon they will be gone. I will have a clean, quite house. But I will miss their laughter, the cute things they say, their little affections. The days are so difficult and exhausting...am I appreciating them enough? It can be difficult to appreciate the little moments when I'm so caught up in the day to day grind. So I guess this post is a reminder to myself to do just that. To sit back, enjoy and appreciate. To show love to my boys and enjoy my time with them as much as I possibly can.

"These Are Days" by 10,000 Maniacs 

These are the days.

These are days you'll remember. 
Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this. 
And as you feel it, you'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky. 
It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you. 

These are days you'll remember. 
When May is rushing over you with desire to be part of the miracles you see in 
Every hour. 
You'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky. 
It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you. 

These are days. 

These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break. 
These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face. 
And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be. 
See the signs and know their meaning. 
It's true, you'll know how it was meant to be. 
Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you.

Photos taken last Saturday night before our Ward Trunk or Treat. Joshua - 23 mo, Oliver - 4 1/2

Parenting is the most difficult thing I've ever done.

Parenting is the most difficult thing I've ever done. It's more difficult than serving a full-time mission, more difficult than going through a painful relationship (being engaged three separate times), more difficult than going through grad school with a newborn baby who was collicy while having nursing issues...I think because those things were short-term. They were difficult while I was in them but then they ended and I took what I learned from them. And I guess I'll look back on motherhood someday and think it went by way too quickly and I'll have lots of nuggets of wisdom and I'll be incredibly grateful for the journey. I am grateful for it now, but it's just so exhausting. I try very hard to be the a really good mom to my boys; I take them to the park, play with them, chase them and tickle them, read to them, do art projects with them, take them fun places, go to the library with them, dance in the kitchen with them, kick the ball with them, laugh with them...I love having fun with them but I also feel exhausted a lot of the time. Sometimes I think if I had kids in my 20s I would have more energy. But I don't have any regrets. I'm glad I had five years of marriage with Wendel before our amazing boys came along and I'm grateful for my degrees I worked so hard to obtain during those five years. I'm incredibly thankful for Oliver and Joshua. They bring me so much joy. But as I said, parenting is the most difficult thing I've ever done. You don't understand until you get there and then you appreciate everything your parents did for you. It's kind of humbling. I just wonder if there will ever be a time when I don't feel exhausted. Maybe someday when our kids are grown but then I know I'll miss them terribly. Wendel said he already misses Oliver...he misses him at ages two and three. Parenting is emotional, too. It's so many things. But above all, I really do feel blessed. I know that I am. But I also feel exhausted and drained and it's difficult to keep up. Someday when I'm a grandma and might not remember just how exhausting being a mom was (like I could forget), I might pull up this post and remind myself. But until then, I will try to cherish the years I have with my sweet boys and do my best to keep up. :)

2013 in review

It's time for my annual year in review post. It's pretty sad that my last year in review post is on the same page on this blog...I only had to scroll down a handful of posts to find it. But I guess that speaks to how priorities change and how I have my hands full with my two little cuties. Still, I enjoy reflecting on the year with this post, so here it is. 

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before? I became a stay-at-home mom. 
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Yes, for the most part. Yes, I'll make a few this year but plan to keep them very short and simple. Too many is too overwhelming. 
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Friends in my ward. 
4. Did anyone close to you die? I found out a childhood friend, Dennis Stauffer, passed away in a car accident a couple of years ago. We hadn't kept in close contact so I didn't find out until last month. We had our baptisms together, were in the same ward and went to the same Elementary School. I last saw him when I was 18 and took a bus from Minneapolis, where I was nannying, to Blacksburg, VA, and visited him. It's sad, especially because he had a 1-year-old son when he died. 
5. What countries did you visit? None
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? More patience, more organization and better time management skills. I seriously want to focus on these three things this year. 
7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory and why? April and October: I left my job at CPS in April, which was difficult for me to do. I became so attached to my job in a way that you do when you go through something that is very trying and provides opportunities for serving others and personal growth. Add awesome coworkers to the mix and it's very difficult to walk away. I then volunteered there once a week until October, when I no longer had childcare for my kids. Again, I was very sad to leave. 
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Being a stay-at-home mom has been very eye-opening. (Wow, it's difficult but I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be at home with my boys.)
9. What was your biggest failure? No big regrets but lots of little things I would like to work on. 
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing serious
11. What was the best thing you bought? A season pass to the AZ Science Center for $30 (a living social deal). I took the boys almost once a a week during the summer. Oliver loved it and it was a great way to fill our time in an educational way (plus being in an air conditioned building was a definite plus). 
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Oliver has come such a long way since the beginning of the year. It was rough for him after Joshua was born and his behavior reflected that. He is doing so much better (which I honestly have to credit Love & Logic to some degree...I'm not perfect at applying it but it was a turning point for me with him). We also got rid of overnight diapers this year. He's such a big boy now! 
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Politicians always seem to fall into this category. I'm not very impressed with President Obama. 
14. Where did most of your money go? Formula + diapers would be big chunk of it. 
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going to Hawaii in April. It was a much-needed break for these exhausted parents. We left the boys with my mom so we got to sleep in...amazing. 
16. What song will always remind you of 2013? More than just one: Feel This Moment by Pitbull, Closer by Teagan and Sara, Radioactive by Imagine Dragons, Deamons by Imagine Dragons, Best Day Of My Life by American Authors, Royals by Lorde and Justin Timberlake (went to his concert with my friend, Autumn). 
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier in general. 
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner. I hit my goal weight about six months ago, thanks to Weight Watchers. I now weigh less than I did before I got pregnant with Josh. 
c) richer or poorer? About the same. 
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I would've had more time to do more family history (scrapbooking, journaling, blogging, etc. - especially the boys' books). This is my same answer as last year...still on my to-do list. I need to make it a priority. 
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Possibly Facebook. I'm not on there all the time but a couple of times a day, which feels like too much right now. (Again, I want to prioritize.) 
20. How did you spend Christmas? With our little family. It was the first Christmas in a few years where it was just us. It was nice. Wendel and I especially enjoyed seeing Oliver's excitement; this was the first year he was really into it. He loved the anticipation of opening his gifts almost more than the gift itself. 
21. Did you fall in love in 2012? Even more with my kids than before. I didn't think that was possible. 
22. What was your favorite TV program? Parenthood still remains a favorite but Big Bang Theory is a pretty close second. (Those are the only two shows we watch.) 
23. What was the best book you read? Love & Logic, followed by How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. Both were life-changing for me. 
24. What was your greatest musical discovery? I really like Imagine Dragons. 
25. What did you want and get? A vacation that involved sleeping in and eating yummy food.
26. What did you want and not get? Nothing comes to mind. 
27. What was your favorite film of this year? Nothing really amazing. There were fun ones, like Pitch Perfect, Thor and Iron Man 3. 
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 34. It was not my best birthday ever. 
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I can't think of anything. I feel very happy and blessed. 
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? Comfortable, casual and inexpensive (I mostly shop at thrift stores...there are some pretty great finds to be had though, if you're willing to do a little looking.)
31. What kept you sane? Wendel. (Same answer as last year...he's my rock.)
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Um...? 
33. What political issue stirred you the most?  6,000 CPS cases were never assigned to investigators over the past four years and as a result several supervisors are on administrative leave. There's a lot of attention in the media on CPS right now. I'm always interested in following CPS in the news because the people reporting the news really have no idea what it's like to be on the front lines. It frustrates me that those who are doing the difficult job of keeping Arizona's children safe are blamed no matter what they do. Meanwhile, they are underpaid, overworked (man, are they overworked...the amount of work is literally impossible to keep up with) and get burned out. Show me a politician who makes improving CPS a priority and that person will have my vote. I did recently read these ideas from Governor Jan Brewer, which is a great start. I really hope to see these put into action. 
34. Who did you miss? My coworkers (after I left CPS). I really miss them a lot, still. 
35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013: Here's two: 1.Parenting is difficult. Not all kids are the same. It's easy to judge other moms or feel judged by other moms as a result of differences in parenting. I've come to realize that there are many different ways to be a "good mom" and no matter what kind of good mom you are, be the best you can for your kids, don't judge others and try not to be offended easily. 2. It's good to be busy doing good things. I'm grateful for a busy calling (Primary Secretary) and the busyness of taking care of two, active little boys. 
36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "I just want to feel this moment" by Pitbull. And when I say "this moment" I refer to sleep and how amazing it is. I knew I wouldn't get much sleep as a mom but man, do I miss it. Sleep is really amazing. 

Here's to a wonderful 2014!

mommy wins

I was feeling overwhelmed this evening. It had been a busy day. The kids were both melting down, Joshua was especially fussy (he's teething) and clingy, the dishes were stacked up, toys were all over the kitchen floor (which I kept stepping on), I hadn't made dinner, the entire house was messy and cluttered and I felt exhausted. (As a side note, I always feel exhausted taking care of two energetic boys). I felt frustrated that I do the same things over and over again, just to do them again. I clean up; Oliver takes the cushions off of the couch so he can jump off of the couch onto them (he is only allowed to do this with our old couch in our not-as-nice living room), he brings a pile of blankets and pillows (big and small) into the living room or in other places throughout the house, which he calls his "nest." I cleaned out the junk drawer; the next day it was a disaster again. I decorated our credenza with Fall decorations; an hour later Oliver took off with the little pumpkins and was playing with them. I sweep and mop; Oliver accidentally drops food and cuts paper onto the floor. I do the dishes; they keep coming. I do laundry and forget to transfer it to the dryer so I wash it again...Sometimes it gets a little overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I've been walking around Disneyland all day with how sore my feet are from standing and then realize I have hardly sat down the entire day. Sometimes (like today), the boys don't nap at the same time and all I want to do is close my eyes for 15 minutes but just as I get both kids to sleep, the one who was asleep first wakes up. I rarely get through my to-do list. Sometimes I get frustrated that I can't focus much time or energy on cleaning (specifically our bedroom, which is the most neglected room in the house and far from the sanctuary I wish it was) because the demands of children are far too great. Sometimes I feel I am in the middle of the forest and it's difficult to see the beauty because I'm too wrapped up with what is right in front of me.

One thing I miss about working outside of my home is the positive affirmation I got from my supervisor and co-workers. Maybe it was due to the nature of the job (working for CPS is a really tough job) or because I'm in the social work field or because my supervisor was just amazing...but he gave us a lot of positive affirmation, support and encouragement. It's nice to hear you're doing okay to give you that push to keep going. It's nice to feel appreciated. Maybe I shouldn't need that but I guess I do.

So tonight I started thinking about my "mommy wins" today: those positive things I did for my kids that I sometimes don't recognize.

• I took my kids to the park this morning. Oliver was able to run around and get some energy out and play with his friend. I held Joshua on my lap and we went down the slide several times together. 
• I took the boys to the Fun Van program at the library (an educational/social program for kids, which also includes a parent education/support group for the parents). We went on a nature walk with the kids, sang together, and played together. 
• I checked out books for Oliver and read to him before his nap. 
• I sat with Oliver on his blanket on the kitchen floor and we ate yogurt popsicles together. 
• I played with Joshua while Oliver slept, tickling him and making him laugh. I encouraged him to balance while standing on his own. I held him while he drank his bottle. 
• I told Oliver and Joshua I love them throughout the day and flashed the "I love you" sign to Oliver. 
• I raced with Oliver to encourage him to go potty and get into the car so we could leave on time. I play games with him to motivate him, which he likes (and which exhausts me). 
• I gave Oliver positive feedback for going potty, drawing pictures, sharing with Joshua, etc. I had him put stickers on the calendar (once he gets a week's worth he gets a prize) so he could see how well he's doing. 
• I didn't yell at Oliver. I felt frustrated at times but kept my cool (not always the case). 
• I kissed both boys numerous times throughout the day. 
• I fed Oliver a healthy dinner of chicken, broccoli, pasta and apples. And he ate all of it. (I try really hard to feed my kids healthy food.)
• I prayed with Oliver before lunch and dinner. We thanked Heavenly Father for all He blesses us with and especially our eternal family and a daddy who works so hard to support us. 
• I only allowed Oliver to watch two hours of tv. I encouraged him to play and use his imagination, color, and put stickers on his pumpkin. This is more difficult for me than sticking him in front of the tv but I'm determined not to do it.
• I held Joshua in my arms tonight after I read to him and rocked him in his glider as I prayed out loud. I thanked Heavenly Father for sending him to our family. I prayed for our boys' safety and health. I told Joshua how much I love him as I put him in his crib, nestled in his sleep sack. 
• I made sure Oliver brushed his teeth this morning and evening. 

• I read from the scriptures this evening. I know that staying close to the Holy Ghost is imperative as I'm raising my children and this is how I can invite Him to reside with me. I feel inspired as I read from the scriptures. I can't say I do it every day as I should but I try to do it and appreciate when I do. Tonight I read in Doctrine & Covenants 121: 26, "God shall give you knowledge by His Hold Spirit, yea, by the unspeakable gift of the Holy Ghost..." which is a reminder that I need that knowledge in this important job of raising children. (As I side note, last night I went visiting teaching and the lesson was on the divine mission of Jesus Christ as the creator. Part of the lesson talked about our divine mission as women. There was a quote by Joseph Smith: “You are now placed in a situation where you can act according to those sympathies which God has planted in your bosoms,” said the Prophet Joseph Smith. “If you live up to these principles how great and glorious!—if you live up to your privilege, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates." I love that! I need angles as my associates. Being a mother is not easy. Parenting with intent, striving to raise responsible children who turn into responsible adults in a loving but firm manner, children who love God and have testimonies of the restored gospel, responding with love and patience when I want to pull my hair out, knowing what is best for my children and how to help them...yes, I will gladly take angels as my associates in this role. I also read this tonight in Doctrine & Covenants 123:17, "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren (and sisters), let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." Sometimes I need that reminder to be cheerful in all things...especially when I am constantly exhausted and the demands are many.)
• As a side note, the woman we visit taught bore her testimony about what a priviledge it is to stay at home with your children. She has stayed home in the past but now has to work full time outside of her home. As she talked, her eyes filled up with tears and I couldn't help but think about what a difficult transition it was for me to leave my job and stay home but how grateful I am for that opportunity now. It really is a priviledge and I'm so thankful I can be with my boys every day. 

I guess I did okay today. If I sift through the mundane tasks, I can see that I supported my children and helped them feel safe (and kept them safe) and happy. I encouraged Oliver's creativity and imagination, allowed him to get exercise and get energy out, strengthened our relationship as mother and son with both boys, and prayed for / sought inspiration on their behalf. 

Parenting is difficult (to say the least). It's nice to sit back and take note of the "wins" once in a while. 

Photos taken in August 2013 (Oliver: 3.5 years, Joshua: 8 months)

The decision to stay home

Stopping by to dust off the old blog.  I still think blogging is great and I still want to blog but I've been surprised at how busy I've been staying home with two kids.  It has been quite the adjustment. 

Deciding to stay home with my children was not an easy decision for me.  I know it is an easy decision for many women but I really struggled with it.  This is not due to not loving my children or not wanting to spend time with them.  I was in graduate school when Oliver was born and then I worked for CPS to pay off my MSW up until April of this year.  It became comfortable to me.  While I was apprehensive to work for CPS, I learned several things about myself and was reminded that I can do hard things.  I liked interviewing children and having them trust and open up to me.  I liked being the voice for those who could not defend themselves.  I appreciated my supportive supervisor and co-workers and enjoyed working in an environment with people who were there because they care about the safety and well-being of children.  I found joy in something I never thought I would do or want to do.  And yet here I am, looking back on an extremely difficult job, appreciating the opportunity I had to make a difference.  After I told my supervisor I was going to turn in my notice, I cried.  I was that attached to my job.  Sure there were plenty of difficult things about my job - I'm not trying to candy-coat the high case loads, getting yelled at on a regular basis, spending hours in court to simply stand before the judge for 30 seconds, conducting interviews on a 120 degree summer afternoon in Arizona on someone's front porch, seeing and hearing heartbreaking situations over and over again to the point where I became objective to the words in the reports...the days were never long enough to accomplish what was required of me and paperwork was always stacked high on my desk and shelves.  My message light was constantly blinking, demanding my attention, and I often cringed when my phone rang, dreading who might be on the other end of the receiver and what they might be upset about.  But the good and the bad - it became a part of me.  It strengthened my character and gave me hope that even though most people don't, people can change.  It gave me confidence that I can do anything if I am determined, feel right about it and have support.  It made me appreciate my blessed life; my beautiful children, my wonderful husband, who - though isn't perfect - is perfect for me and treats me with respect.  This is why it was difficult to close that chapter of my life, if only temporarily.

Staying home has been an adjustment not only for me but for Oliver as well.  We have both learned a few things and things are going much more smoothly than they were initially.  The other day I had to stand back and soak up the joy I felt as I heard Oliver repeating the words from the book, The Little Engine that Could, as he pushed his little trains along their wooden track on the living room floor.  I find myself smiling from ear to ear as Oliver and I dance around the living room to music or kick the ball back and forth as Joshua is jumping and smiling in his jumper nearby.  I love watching Josh wobble as he's learning how to sit on his own and rock back and forth on his hands and knees as he's building up the courage to begin crawling.  I love that Oliver seeks my comfort when he falls down or doesn't feel well.  I love that I am there to comfort him and give him hugs and kisses and put bandaids on his scrapped knees.  I love seeing the pure joy on Oliver's face as I chase him and tickle him and he laughs uncontrollably.  I know someday he won't eagerly say, "Mommy, you want to chase me?"  Instead he will want to be in his bedroom with the door closed, listening to music or doing his own thing.  He won't always come to me or his dad when he's seeking comfort.  Today, he wants to be just like his dad and copies him constantly.  If daddy walks out to the truck with his hat on backwards and pushes the buttons to unlock the code to the truck door, Oliver is following suit, turning his hat around backwards and pushing the buttons as well before climbing into his carseat.  This is such an impressionable time where I have an opportunity to influence my children for good.  It is a time to put my past endeavors aside and focus on the things of eternity - the things that really matter most right now, which things are putting my efforts into raising our children and strengthening my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ daily.

I've realized only recently how imperative raising children is to our learning experience here on earth.  I believe there are things I am learning as I'm raising my children that would be difficult to learn otherwise.  (Also, as a side note, I believe those who don't have the opportunity to raise children on earth will have the opportunity to do so at a later time.)  This is such a time of learning for me.  I look back on this post and I can't help but smile at the first-time-mother version of myself who had no idea how difficult raising children could be, no idea how I would pour over parenting books and kneel in prayer as tears run down my face, asking for patience and guidance in parenting my son.  And now here I am, right in the middle of it.  The daily grind, the mundane, the joyful, the trying moments (hours, days...), the self-talk to get myself through the day, the adorable quotes that make me laugh, the love that fills my heart to the brim for both of my children, the continuos daily chores (dishes, laundry, sweeping, feeding...), Joshua's adorable "square smile" and sweet disposition, reading the same stories over and over again, the way my heart melts when Oliver randomly says, "Mommy, I love you," the moments I get to witness that I would otherwise miss. 

I'm grateful for all of it.  I am blessed.

[Photos taken in May 2013]

Moving forward

Our Christmas card this year.

 A little recap from 2012 (I did this back in 2010 as well):

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before? Worked for CPS.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? My resolutions from last year were the following: 01. Blog more often. 02. Read from the Book of Mormon daily with Wendel. 03. Write in my personal journal at least once a week. 04. Work on Oliver's book regularly. 05. Use my scripture journal with my personal scripture study at least one time each week. 06. Work out 3x / week. I pretty much failed at all of these.  Wendel and I did okay reading scriptures but not perfect, especially toward the end of the year.  I obviously didn't blog more often, I didn't write in my personal journal once a week and I didn't work on Oliver's book at all.  I wrote in my scripture journal a little but not much.  I did work out pretty regularly up until I got pregnant.  Overall, I did not do stellar with my goals.  I do have a few resolutions for this year, which will hopefully be more attainable (to come later in this post). 
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Other than me, I had several friends and two cousins give birth this year.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Wendel's grandmother, Rose Winnifred Pratt Burnham, died in December. We named Joshua's middle name (Pratt) after her (and after Wendel - Pratt is one of his middle names as well).
5. What countries did you visit? None
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? More patience.
7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory and why? December 24th, the day Joshua was born.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Working full time for CPS while being pregnant and being a mother to a 2-year-old.
9. What was your biggest failure? No big regrets
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing serious
11. What was the best thing you bought? Probably Wendel's Ford F-250.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Oliver's - he is fully potty trained as of a few months ago!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Political leaders - elections depress me with all of the lying candidates do about each other.
14. Where did most of your money go? Life.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The birth of our son, Joshua.
16. What song will always remind you of 2012? We Are Young by Fun
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder in some ways at this specific time - but I think this is mostly due to having just had a baby and the emotions that come with that adjustment, plus it is quite an adjustment for Oliver having a new baby in the house, which has been hard for me too. But we're getting through it. Overall, I would say I am happy and blessed. 
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter but it's worth it.
c) richer or poorer? Richer, both with money and with blessings.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I would've had more time to do more family history (scrapbooking, journaling, blogging, etc.).
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Nothing. No regrets.
20. How did you spend Christmas? In the hospital.  We were released at about 7:30 pm on Christmas evening.  We celebrated the next morning with my mom and brother, Tyson, who were in town.  Wendel's mom, Linda, came over as well. 
21. Did you fall in love in 2012? Yes, with my sweet new son, Joshua. 
22. What was your favorite TV program? Parenthood (my answer was the same in 2010 - love this show so much).
23. What was the best book you read? I didn't read much this year.
24. What was your greatest musical discovery? Not sure I really had a musical discovery. I am not very adventurous with music and tend to listen to a lot of talk radio commuting to and from work.
25. What did you want and get? A baby
26. What did you want and not get? Nothing comes to mind.
27. What was your favorite film of this year? I didn't see any amazing movies. Sad, but true. I didn't see many movies at all, so that's not saying much.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 33.  I don't recall what we did - probably went out to eat.  Wendel got us a weekend getaway to a place in Scottsdale, which we used at a later date.  My dad and his fiance, Dot, took Oliver for the weekend for us.  We ate at a really great Thai place and were able to sleep in - it doesn't get much better than that.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not sure.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? Comfortable.
31. What kept you sane? Wendel.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Taylor Swift.  I really like her music.
33. What political issue stirred you the most?  Not any one.  There were several issues that I followed and had opinions about.  I was frustrated with the election in general.
34. Who did you miss? My family.
35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012: I can do hard things. (I knew this before but was reminded of this several times throughout the year.)
36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart...

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground"

From I Will Wait by Mumford and Sons 

Maybe it's a stretch but I apply the lyrics to my experience working for CPS this past year.  I had to learn to be bold (I'm not naturally this way but had to be on my mission and again as an investigator for CPS) and strong (as I saw lots of abuse).  I had to use my head along with my heart - I couldn't just react with emotion.  I view the second part as kneeling down praying, because I did a lot of that as I prayed for strength to do this work and endurance to keep going - not just working for CPS but balancing work with being a mother and wife, as well as my calling at church and everything else in life - all while being pregnant.  

2012 was a good but very busy year.  I am sitting here pumping, listening to Joshua's sweet little cooing noises as he is hanging out in his swing.  I've been thinking I want to post about my goals for this year so I can solidify them.  I had a long list of goals in mind, in several different areas, that I wanted to tackle this year.  But I think I'm going to keep them to a minimum instead, so I can keep them attainable.

01. Become more patient. I never realized I struggled with patience until recently.  Being a parent - and a recent stay-at-home mom with a very jealous and defiant 2-year-old has brought this to light in a hurry.  I find myself getting easily frustrated with how easily frustrated and defiant Oliver gets (hmm - I think part of the problem is we are so much alike) and wishing patience came more easily to me. The plan: Study Love and Logic, study patience in the scriptures, Ensign and other books, and make concerted efforts to practice being patient with Oliver.  Part of this effort might include keeping track of what I learn / how I'm applying it either here or in a journal of some kind.

02.  Read from the scriptures / gospel study daily.  Even if it's just for ten minutes. The plan: read while I pump or at the beginning of the boys' nap time. 

03. Get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  The plan: Exercise as soon as I am able (I have to wait five more weeks) and be mindful of what I eat.  This might include joining Weight Watchers or it might not.  I've got 20 pounds to lose and I'm determined to do it. 

04. Give more to my calling.  I want to focus more on my calling - to really do my best and be mindful of the children I'm serving as Primary Secretary.  The plan: Set aside time to work on my calling, do not procrastinate, pray for help and pray for the children and sisters I serve with.  

 Those are the four I really want to focus on, so I'm going to drop everything else off of my list and do my best in these areas. 

Happy 2013!

a few thoughts at the beginning the journey

"Of all the joys of life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such efforts becomes life's most satisfying compensation." - Gordon B. Hinckley

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I think this quote will sink in and have different meaning to me throughout my life as I experience different seasons of parenthood. For now, the first part rings true to me - that parenthood has brought me such joy. The first few months of Oliver's life were so difficult. I had a rough recovery from his birth, nursing issues, side effects of depression, anxiety and loss of bladder control from medication that I was taking to increase my milk supply, hives from the Fenugreek that I was also taking to increase my milk supply, shingles from stress, little sleep, and research and bio classes on top of it all. I felt like I would never be in a different place and I would be stuck in that little time warp forever, surrounded by papers filled with feeding times to remind myself of when he last ate, pamphlets about nursing, and books about healthy sleep habbits .

It's amazing how much changes in three months. It was like Oliver hit his three month mark and suddenly he became this little person who smiled a lot, interacted, and brought a whole lot of joy to us on a daily basis. My thoughts on parenthood now? I love it. I love my little 6-month-old and just can't get enough of him, even with his fussy teething spells and waking up to comfort him in the night. I know that being a mother is a divine calling that is meant to teach me and help me learn and grow, but also to bring me immense joy. I think that is why this quote stood out to me so much when Wendel and I read it the other night.

The second part of that quote is kind of daunting - out of every responsibility we will have in life, none will be as serious as being a parent. This reminds me of another quote that I really love by Harold B. Lee: "The most important work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own home." I think about that a lot these days. I'm trying to do my best to make my role as a parent (and wife) the most important thing that I do, while still balancing school, work, housework, exercise, spirituality, etc.






[Photos taken by Wendel and me on August 22, 2010 in our backyard after church.]

Even with the weight of this great responsibility on my shoulders, I am grateful to be starting this incredible (and undoubtedly difficult) journey.