I'm getting ready to head up to bed but feel the need to document this time in my life. There has definitely been a void in my life where journal writing used to be a priority. I certainly miss venting, expressing my thoughts and feelings, analyzing and reading myself to understand my feelings better. I never thought I would let that slide but I am now at the phase of life where I can only do the necessities and journal writing (including blogging) rarely makes the cut. I could do it after my kids are in bed but I'm just so tired, so it usually doesn't happen (other than keeping up with their individual blogs, which are essentially letters from me to them). But tonight I'm making an exception.
Maybe because I'm 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant with twin boys and know that things are about to change for our family of five as it grows to a family of seven very soon. I am feeling so overwhelmed as I think of the things on my to-do list that need to be done before their arrival in a couple of weeks, if not sooner (twins are considered full term at 38 weeks). Our house is disheveled because Wendel is remodeling our loft for us (bless his heart - he's devoting every spare minute he has to this project) so everything that was in our loft is now elsewhere and it's a bit cluttered and crazy. I am feeling overwhelmed at the thought of giving enough attention to five children, two of whom will be crying infants. I am feeling overwhelmed with one of my children, who was recently diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety, and with whom every day feels so difficult and discouraging (and has for a long time). I am feeling inadequate as a mother a lot of the time, definitely as a homemaker (I cannot keep up with our house right now...it feels like the movie Groundhog's Day where, like Bill Murray trying figure out how to keep from reliving February 2nd over and over again, I keep trying to clean it but it always ends up a disaster and my efforts are in vain. It is stressful and frustrating, probably more so with these babies making their arrival any time).
I have always been able to easily focus on the positive but I feel like I'm just a little worn down right now and it's much more difficult to do so lately. This is definitely a difficult phase of life, probably the most difficult we have faced in terms of discouragement and frustration (related to parenting, specifically). I think this might be a good time to list a few things I'm grateful for, to help me re-focus on the positives.
A happy marriage. I'm very grateful for Wendel.
Our children. They can be very challenging but I am grateful for them and the opportunity I have to be their mother.
The Spirit. What a truly amazing gift to feel of His promptings and guidance.
Prayer. Specifically, a relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and a way to communicate with them.
Eleanor's eye specialists.
Eleanor's progress with her eye. We really think she has some vision in her little eye, which is such a blessing.
Our home.
Wendel's job.
The gifts I've been blessed with (including a positive disposition, faith and determination, which I rely on daily)
Two baby boys about to join our family.
22.5 Weeks
May 2017
May 2017 - my stomach does come in handy as a table.
June 2017
31.5 weeks
35.5 weeks and so ready to be done!
Sweet Baby A Ultrasound Picture May 2017 (I can see Josh here)
Sweet Baby B Ultrasound Picture April 2017 (I can see Wendel here)
Despite this chaotic, stressful time in our lives, I'm grateful for these sweet baby boys about to join our family and for all that we are blessed with. One day at a time.
Just stopping in to share a few thoughts about today. I got released from being Primary Secretary today. I've had this calling for a little over two years. I have loved it and am sad to be released. (The Presidency was released other than the President, which makes it even more difficult in a way because I loved working with the President, Tiffany.) Maybe it's because I'm pregnant but I sat in the back of the Primary room with tears streaming down my face as the Primary kids sang, "The Family is of God." I have loved hearing the Primary children sing this song this year. It's one of my favorites and will always have a special place in my heart (I used to sing it to Joshua before bed but now he only wants the songs that have actions with them). I felt the Spirit so strongly at church today. Most Sundays, I'm so busy and distracted by my kids and responsibilities, I might feel the Spirit once or twice but not the entire block. It was so strong and so present. I guess maybe to help me know it's okay to move on and to comfort me. Change is difficult, especially when I've put my heart into something. Change can also be good, though. My new calling is Activity Days Leader for the 10-11 year old girls and I'm looking forward to working with them. I think it will be good.
My poor neglected blog. Sadly, it doesn't make the cut on my priority
list. Family, work, house work, photography, spirituality, exercise,
going on dates with my husband, playing with my son, paying the bills,
organizing our garage (okay, I haven't even been working on this task lately), unwinding with Facebook, reading other blogs,
etc. after a long day...all take priority over keeping up with this old
blog, despite my New Year's resolution to do the opposite. It actually took the death of a friend to bring me here tonight. This morning I found out my friend Kim passed away. Kim was in my BASW program and in the new cohort of my MSW program (after I had to leave my original cohort when I took time off after having Oliver and joined a new cohort to graduate with). Our cubicles were next to each other at our practicums. We took her daughter's Senior Pictures. Kim is a wonderful person who loves her daughter so much. I say is because I know that she is still herself and that she continues to exist. I know she is in a better place and free from the Cancer-causing pain that evaded her body. I know she will always be an example of love and devotion to her daughter. I feel blessed to have known her.
Life is so precious. It is so short. Sometimes that is difficult to remember when I get caught up in the busyness of day-to-day life. And it takes something like the death of a friend to wake me up and remind me not to take things or people or anything for granted. "Life is a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God." (Alma 12:24) It can be easy to forget the urgency in our purpose here on earth, the reason we were placed here. Yes, life is hard. But that is not all it is. There is a reason we face trials. It is part of our preparation for things to come. Once again, I am reminded that I need to check my priorities.
Like these two. I love them so much and don't ever want to take them for granted.
P.S. Kim had Melanoma, which is the most dangerous kind of skin cancer. She would have wanted me to remind you that going to tanning beds is not worth it.
In honor of Easter, I wanted to share this video. I've shared it here before but it was a while ago. This song is meaningful to me because I listened to it on my mission and it brings back so many memories from that time. It is so inspirational and always brings tears to my eyes when I hear it.
I've been thinking this weekend about what is really important in life; specifically, how we treat others and how our Savior would treat others if he were here with us. I think it is so easy to get caught up in our lives and not think about other people who are living close to us but may be living in drastically different circumstances. So many people are going through difficult times right now. It is so easy to judge others or to make assumptions when we don't have all of the facts. I am reminded of a quote I read once by Ian Percy that states, "We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions."I guess I've sort of had this reminder this weekend about needing to reach outside of myself more, put myself in others' shoes, not to be quick to judge, and to remember to keep my priorities in order. It can be so easy for them to get out of order, even due to good things.
I am grateful for Easter, as it is symbolic of starting new. It not only brings hope for warm weather and new life, but it also brings an assurance that we will be resurrected because of our Savior. It brings hope that death is not the end. That is such an amazing thing to know! I know that my Savior lives and I am forever grateful for Him.
I will leave you with a current picture of my little cutie in his Easter outfit that his grandma sent him.
*Loving how my cute little guy is learning and growing so much. He is wanting to be independent lately. It's pretty cute to watch him trying to do things on his own. He is amazing.
*Loving the fact that I finally completed the majority of my Senior Capstone Project (akin to a thesis in my field). It was 50 pages and so much work. It doesn't help that I'm a perfectionist, and overachiever, and a people-pleaser. These are things I've learned about myself these past few years being in school. They are both blessings and curses but in the end, they are good qualities to have as a student. I'm actually really, really excited about my project. I'm expanding Independent Living services for foster youth who are about to age out of the system to the area where I live (currently there aren't services available for them here). That includes finding a location to hold the workshops, putting together workshop curriculum, and doing lots of outreach to inform foster youth, foster parents, and service providers about these workshops. I'm also contributing to a website that is a great resource for emancipating foster youth. The 50 pages I just turned in last Thursday was all of the research that backs up this project that I'm implementing. I've been working on it since September. I'm very passionate about it and excited to help foster youth in my area.
*Loving that, thanks to a fitness challenge and Weight Watchers, I feel so much healthier lately. I have lost some weight, which is great, but I also just feel really healthy. (Part of the fitness challenge is that I can only eat out once a week and I have to drink 64 ounces of water a day...these are not easy goals for me - the eating out is hard because I'm always on the go, and the water is difficult because I am a sipper and just can't finish that much water in a day comfortably (but I'm doing it).
*Loving our new mini van. We got a used Toyota Sienna. It is so nice having extra space.
*Loving this blog. I admire this girl's faith and have really enjoyed reading about her conversion. Start here.
One thing I'm not loving is how I stay up really late on Sunday nights because I don't want the weekend to end, and then I am super tired on Mondays. It is not a good pattern but it happens over and over again. And on that note, I'm going to bed.
On Monday I shadowed Senator Claudia Kauffman at a luncheon / meet n' greet. At this event, each of the candidates representing several districts got a few minutes to speak, to inform those in attendance about their campaign and why they should vote for them. It was kind of interesting. The thing that really stuck out to me though, was that they started the meeting with a prayer. The person who prayed addressed Heavenly Father and asked that they have clear minds to make good decisions with integrity that are in the best interest of the public. Afterward there was a resounding amen. I was so impressed. It seems I am often in contact with people (mostly at school) who don't believe in God. It was so nice to see our policy makers and leaders (and potential policy makers and leaders) uniting in prayer for guidance to make good decisions in our behalf. I felt the Spirit strongly during that prayer. It gives me hope.
I am sharing this link a bit late since it's promoting a special that is good through General Conference weekend, but I still wanted to let you know about the product. Many of you have probably heard about it - a ward / stake directory app for your iphone or ipad. It looks pretty cool and would be very convenient. It was created by a couple of people in my ward, which is even cooler. Check it out here.
By the way, General Conference was wonderful. I feel rejuvenated. I especially liked President Monson's talk about gratitude. I'm excited for the Conference edition of the Ensign so I can review the talks and underline things that stand out to me (I'm a visual person so I do better being able to read a talk and take notes on it rather than listen to it). I'm grateful to have a prophet on the earth who is a mouthpiece for our Heavenly Father. I really believe that and my testimony was only strengthened after hearing him speak today.
I am really not ready to face this coming week. Must...go...to...bed...
"The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life." - Julie B. Beck
We are home from church today because we are sick, so while Wendel is sleeping I'm watching some General Conference talks from April. Although I've heard these talks before, this quote by Julie Beck, the General Relief Society President, just stood out to me, probably because I could stand to focus on this area of my life a little more.
The single most important skill. That deserves my attention. It's so easy to get caught up in anything but things that qualify us for personal revelation...whether they be other good things (like school) or things that aren't really that uplifting (like certain tv shows that are funny but don't really prepare us to be in a place where we can receive personal revelation).
Often times my scripture reading consists of reading a scripture and quote from Stand a Little Taller before falling asleep. I really want to change that.
This is a reminder to myself to find balance in my life - balance between being a mother, a wife, a student, an employee, a housekeeper, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and above all, a daughter of God (because by remembering and fulfilling my role as a daughter of God, I will be better at all of the other roles in my life).
Um, hi. I'm still here...I've just been extremely busy. I have so much pulling me in so many directions. All of these things are good things but sometimes I wonder if I am making room for the most important things to me (which probably means that I'm not). Really spending time studying the scriptures, writing in my journal, keeping our house clean and organized. Balance is something I struggle to maintain. In many ways I am looking forward to June 12th (my graduation). I think it will be good to have some time this summer to "regroup" and get my house in order (both physically and spiritually).
A few random things I've been up to:
1. I went to VegFest in Seattle with Jessica a few weeks ago. I felt like a little kid in a candy shop. Jessica told me that there would be samples but I didn't expect to get full. I love living in Seattle where there are entire pages of menus dedicated to vegetarian dishes, there is a focus on healthy eating and there are vegetarian festivals. I don't know if I could ever move.
2. I wore a size 2T (as in toddler) dress in a youth talent show recently (not that it would zip up and I think I ripped it a little...). As young women leaders, we did a little baton twirling routine in silly outfits / accessories to make the youth laugh. I pretty much couldn't breathe but it was fun. [Aleisa, Me, Tami, Heather and Christa. I love the tutu Aleisa is wearing.]
4. We had Easter dinner today with our friends, Adam and Doddie and their extended family. It was a beautiful meal and we had a nice time. We feel blessed to live in such a great area and have good friends.
As it is Easter, I have been reflecting on my Savior. I know that He lives. That is a simple thing to say but it changes everything. It gives meaning to life. It brings hope where there was none. I know that I will be resurrected as well, which is so comforting. I feel peace knowing that death is not the end but that everyone will be resurrected because of Jesus Christ. I found this compilation of photos representing His life called Reflections of Christ that I want to share. The photos in the video were taken by Mark Mabry, a very talented photographer (he actually served in W's mission). They are set to one of my favorite songs, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. Enjoy!
As many of you know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which is also known as the Mormon faith. Similar to other large faith groups, our church is at times the focus of attention from Hollywood, books, and other media. Sometimes these depictions are accurate and sometimes they are not.
The past couple of days there has been a lot of focus on our church because of a recent episode of the HBO series Big Love. Before this series first aired more than two years ago, HBO executives and the show's creators told LDS Church leaders that the series would not be about Mormons. However, Internet references to Big Love indicate that Mormon themes are continually woven into the show and that the characters are often unsympathetic figures who come across as narrow-minded and self-righteous. According to TV Guide, the show's writers are now depicting what they understand to be sacred temple ceremonies. It is offensive when our most sacred practices are misrepresented and presented without context or understanding.
I understand that there are many misconceptions about our faith and beliefs so I would like to take this opportunity to share with you a little about Mormon Temples and what their purpose and meaning is through the short video below. I also invite you to respectfully ask me any questions that you may have and I will do my best to answer them.
Also, I want to share this video that I saw on my friend Becky's blog. This is a panel interview with a 20-year-old Harvard student named Rachel Esplin who is also a member of the LDS faith. She talks about misconceptions about the LDS faith as well as her testimony and upbringing. I would like to add my testimony to hers. My faith really is such a big part of my life. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is truly my compass. There is not a day that goes by that it is not integrated into my life in some way. It brings me hope, peace, love, endurance and strength. My faith and testimony of Jesus Christ has blessed my life and I am thankful for it.
"Man is a spiritual being, a soul, and at some period of his life everyone is possessed with an irresistible desire to know his relationship to the Infinite...There is something within him which urges him to rise above himself, to control his environment, to master the body and all things physical and live in a higher and more beautiful world." President David O. McKay
I came across this quote tonight while reading the book To Draw Closer to God by Henry B. Eyring. I really love this quote because I have found this to be true in my life. I have certainly felt the desire to rise above myself and know my Heavenly Father. It is so easy to get caught up in temporal things that really don't matter. It is so easy to place importance on things that are not eternal. I am grateful for those times when I do feel close to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Lately these feelings have come as I have been reading from the scriptures and the book I mentioned above. I hold my faith and testimony very close to my heart. Because it is so special to me, I don't talk about it openly often. This is a little personal and deep but I really wanted to share it here.
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