I'm getting ready to head up to bed but feel the need to document this time in my life. There has definitely been a void in my life where journal writing used to be a priority. I certainly miss venting, expressing my thoughts and feelings, analyzing and reading myself to understand my feelings better. I never thought I would let that slide but I am now at the phase of life where I can only do the necessities and journal writing (including blogging) rarely makes the cut. I could do it after my kids are in bed but I'm just so tired, so it usually doesn't happen (other than keeping up with their individual blogs, which are essentially letters from me to them). But tonight I'm making an exception.
Maybe because I'm 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant with twin boys and know that things are about to change for our family of five as it grows to a family of seven very soon. I am feeling so overwhelmed as I think of the things on my to-do list that need to be done before their arrival in a couple of weeks, if not sooner (twins are considered full term at 38 weeks). Our house is disheveled because Wendel is remodeling our loft for us (bless his heart - he's devoting every spare minute he has to this project) so everything that was in our loft is now elsewhere and it's a bit cluttered and crazy. I am feeling overwhelmed at the thought of giving enough attention to five children, two of whom will be crying infants. I am feeling overwhelmed with one of my children, who was recently diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety, and with whom every day feels so difficult and discouraging (and has for a long time). I am feeling inadequate as a mother a lot of the time, definitely as a homemaker (I cannot keep up with our house right now...it feels like the movie Groundhog's Day where, like Bill Murray trying figure out how to keep from reliving February 2nd over and over again, I keep trying to clean it but it always ends up a disaster and my efforts are in vain. It is stressful and frustrating, probably more so with these babies making their arrival any time).
I have always been able to easily focus on the positive but I feel like I'm just a little worn down right now and it's much more difficult to do so lately. This is definitely a difficult phase of life, probably the most difficult we have faced in terms of discouragement and frustration (related to parenting, specifically). I think this might be a good time to list a few things I'm grateful for, to help me re-focus on the positives.
- A happy marriage. I'm very grateful for Wendel.
- Our children. They can be very challenging but I am grateful for them and the opportunity I have to be their mother.
- The Spirit. What a truly amazing gift to feel of His promptings and guidance.
- Prayer. Specifically, a relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and a way to communicate with them.
- Eleanor's eye specialists.
- Eleanor's progress with her eye. We really think she has some vision in her little eye, which is such a blessing.
- Our home.
- Wendel's job.
- The gifts I've been blessed with (including a positive disposition, faith and determination, which I rely on daily)
- Two baby boys about to join our family.
|May 2017 - my stomach does come in handy as a table.|
|35.5 weeks and so ready to be done!|
|Sweet Baby A Ultrasound Picture May 2017 (I can see Josh here)|
|Sweet Baby B Ultrasound Picture April 2017 (I can see Wendel here)|
Despite this chaotic, stressful time in our lives, I'm grateful for these sweet baby boys about to join our family and for all that we are blessed with. One day at a time.