[Tulips from Wendel for Mother's Day]
"Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction." - M. Russell Ballard
Mother's Day is extra special to me this year. I finally understand what it means to be a mother. It is amazing and hard and overwhelming and sacred. I like that quote about the joy of motherhood coming in moments. Even though Oliver is still a baby, I think that is so true. I definitely don't feel joy all the time, but I cherish those moments when I do (which is quite often, especially moments that don't occur in the middle of the night).
I want to be the kind of mom who my kids to talk to about anything. I want to have a house of order; a home that is clean and inviting, a place where our kids can bring their friends and feel comfortable spending time. It is hard for me to let that go right now (the clean home part). When Wendel an I made the decision for me to pursue graduate school, we knew there would be sacrifices to make. When we decided to have a baby right as I am beginning my graduate program, we knew there would be even more sacrifices to make, and letting the house get a little messy (or a lot messy, depending on the room and how accessible it is to the public eye) is one of those sacrifices. But I do want an organized, welcoming home one day. I want to be a good homemaker. I want our home to be a house of learning. I want Oliver and our other children to know that education is important, not only secular education, but learning in general.
Yesterday I came home from the library to pump. Oliver was being fussy, as he sometimes is (he has a gassy tummy a lot). I picked him up and he immediately smiled at me, and continued to do so for about ten minutes. It was probably just a coincidence that he was happy all of the sudden, but it made me feel like maybe he actually knows who his mom is and was excited to see me. With so many people caring for him lately while I've been at the library (8-10 hours a day, every day but Sunday), I worry that he might not know who I am. It made me so happy and was exactly what I needed.
Even though I feel like a missionary in the MTC saying "Missions are so amazing," (not really having any idea of what a mission is really like yet) as I am at the beginning of this journey of motherhood, I still want to say that I think motherhood is amazing. It is such an incredible blessing to be trusted by my Heavenly Father with one of his children. I am so grateful for this opportunity to be Oliver's mother.